I went for a long walk yesterday. A very long walk. I was torn between two different directions that offer two different options and experiences. As I stood in front of my building, I tried to make up my mind.
To my right: historic Cabbagetown, Riverdale Farm and Riverdale Park West. Turning a bit more and going a little farther would take me to the “suicide bridge”, past Castle Frank station to Broadview, then straight down the Danforth/Greektown neighbourhood towards the eastend. Turning right from the corner of Broadview would take me to Riverdale Park East, Broadview Chinatown and then if I want, I could circle back towards home…or keep going elsewhere in the city from there.
If I don’t do any of that, then to my left: downtown with all the hustle and bustle of Toronto plus much, much more. I was stuck in the middle of both options and I wanted BOTH. I am not very good at choosing between things. I needed both. I needed to be amongst people, right where all the action is, and I needed to be somewhere that’s more nature-oriented, such as the farm and parks. I couldn’t choose, so I decided to go towards the direction if more human activities and see how I feel about it.
It was a very nice day, weather-wise. Toronto has the most beautiful blue sky, I swear. Every time the sun shines, it makes me so happy seeing our sky. It was sunny and quite warm out. The leaves are changing colour and the temperature is slowly dropping. You need to start layering up now. However, it was warmer yesterday.
I wanted to sit in a nice place under the su and relax for a bit. I am a sun chaser. I went to a local cafe, got myself a pistachio latte (I saw them prepare it. I don’t have an espresso maker, but I might try making a regular coffee. It’s so good!). The interior was very inviting, but I was in the mood for outdoors.
A few steps later, I realized I don’t want that level of hustle and bustle. I still want some people, but I don’t want to be surrounded by shops, shops and more shops. I don’t want concrete, I want grass under my feet. I want to “people watch”, but not like this.
I knew where to go. To my happy place from when I was a child, and especially from when I was in my teens and early 20s. Riverdale Park East. The space is very popular with Torontonians. Google it and you will see why. It’s a HUGE open space in the middle of the city and it’s accessible by foot, public transit and car. If you’re ever in my city and want to include “non-touristy” activities, add Riverdale to your list. So, I kind of made a U-turn and headed towards there.
While leaving the cafe, I decided to get a magazine (forgot to take a book with me) and some food then go sit on the grass, read and relax for a bit. The whole journey from my home to the park one way on this route is about 5 kms by foot, round trip. It’s a massive circle around downtown east, pretty much. So, I got my latte then picked up a magazine from the next door Rexall’s.
As I reached Castle Frank station, I noticed the maple tree next to it. This tree….I swear! I grew up nearby, so I am very familiar with the area. I have been walking on these roads for 20+ years. However, since I haven’t lived this particular area (a few blocks from the tree) until a few years ago, I haven’t really paid attention to a lot of things or even came across them that often before. Ever since moving closer though, I began noticing this tree more.
This specific tree is most probably the very FIRST tree in this massive city to remind all of us that summer is over. When I first properly noticed (I passed it a billion times before) it in fall September 2016, I was shocked to see it almost red already. Same thing in 2017 and 2018. I took a photo of it in 2017 because I was that shocked!
Every other tree in the city, especially in the surrounding area — it’s a VERY green area, because the ravines snake right through here, from south to north, east to west — were green or barely changing colour. And there is this maple tree, already red and ready to drag winter in! I saw the same thing yesterday. It’s already bright red and even dropping leaves! I was like “you damn tree…what is the matter with you??” 😂 It’s a pretty tree, though. Too eager for winter, that’s all 😒
I crossed the road to sit down on a bench. My feet was beginning to hurt a bit. I was wearing pumps (not the pink one), not running shoes. As I approached the bench, I noticed something interesting on it. Upon closer inspection, I saw a coloured, but old, family Christmas photo. It had some deep creases on it, as if someone had kept it folded for a while. The people’s clothing and the room’s decor indicated the photo was taken somewhere in the 1990s.
“But what is it doing here?!”, I thought. “Why did someone leave it on a roadside bench that’s sitting on a patch of grass?”, “Who discards family photos like this?!”, “What made them do it?”. All sorts of questions were going through my mind. “Were they hurt by someone in this photo?”.
“Did someone in this photo pass away and whoever left this photo left it here as a way of finally saying goodbye?”, “is the reason why someone discarded their family Christmas photo is because they are moving on from a toxic family situation?”. My mind kept asking.
I was taken aback by the scene, because it’s not everyday you find something like this while walking around in the city. Well, sometimes, maybe. This city has no shortages of quirks and surprises. But this not an everyday thing.
I didn’t want to intrude, because discarded or not, that photo WAS someone’s private possession. I highly doubt they left it accidentally though. It looked like they folded and crumpled it before leaving it on the bench. I couldn’t just leave it alone.
Cautiously, I took a better look. Also, I noticed a piece of paper, a sort of an old visiting card of a store or a gallery or something, laying nearby on the grass. The handwriting on the back matched the writing on the back of the photo. Someone most definitely brought both and deliberately discarded them here.
I didn’t know what to make of this. Then again, it wasn’t something for me to make anything of, I guess. It’s part of someone else’s life story and it’s for them. I was just a passersby who came to the scene after the fact, to rest a little bit on the bench on my way to a park, as part of my own life journey. That’s all.
As I got up to continue my walk towards Riverdale Park East, I noticed something that I swear has been there literally for hundreds of years, but I haven’t seen it until that very moment. Even though I have been walking on that very road for 20+ years. This is what I saw:
So, there you go. A little piece of Toronto story there for you.
This is why you need walks. No matter how much you claim you know your city, your neighboyrhood and surrounding areas, you do not. Next time you’re out, you are guaranteed to see things that you never did before, even though you both probably have been there for a while.
A walk is also a great way to get some fresh air, clear your mind, think about things, spend some time away from everything and everyone, find yourself, get to know yourself (for the first time or for the first time in a while), and perhaps, also gain some much-needed perspective. All of those sure happened yesterday.
After my little rest and the interesting encounter with the discarded family photo, I was on my way to the “suicide bridge”. That’s the only way to go to Broadview on this route. The bridge is named so for obvious reasons. The govt. did put up barriers on both sides a few years ago to prevent future jump-offs to the Don Valley highway and the ravines below, so the moniker doesn’t suit it anymore. However, it’s going to stick for life, I guess. The official name for the bridge is Prince Edward Viaduct.
I saw a Monarch butterfly flying by me, on the other side of the barriers, going towards where I just came from. It was such a beautiful moment! Little moments such as this make life worth it, you know? How often do huge moments happen in daily life? Exactly. I have learned to see, appreciate, create and seek joy and happiness in the little things in life, especially from natural sources.
Ever since I was a child, I loved being in nature and natural settings. It relaxes, refreshes and recharges my mind, body and soul. I didn’t take a photo of the butterfly because it was so fast, and I was just busy enjoying and living in the moment! I think we forget to do that all too often.
Then I paused my walk, took in the view of the city and the park in the distance (I was standing on the opposite side of the MASSIVE circle. I still had more than a km to go from the bridge). I have been under the bridge several times, too. Down by the Don river is my favourite place to hike.
The paved roads down there go from one end of the city to another, and there is absolutely NO shortages of hiking trails in Toronto. I hope it stays this way for generations to come. I used to hang around in Riverdale Park East and down by the Don a lot in the mid 2000s. Both during my happy times and when @#$%! hit the roof. I shot countless photographs around there, too.
I got some lunch and continued towards the park. People love this 104 acres park for a reason. It’s a massive green space and it’s under the open sky. One side of it has a tennis court, a skateboard park, play area for both dogs and children etc. There are PLENTY of space to sit, lay and sprawl around on the slopes, both under the sun or under a tree.
This is a perfect place to read a book, have lunch, have a picnic or do nothing but take in the city views and/or watch the sunset. There is a huge track and field area right in the middle too, down the slopes, as well as baseball diamonds. In winter, people come for the ice rink and tobagganing down the hills. The park also never gets too crowded, ever.
I used to go there a LOT back in the day since I lived close by. Then I got married, moved out to Scarborough, Ontario and lost touch. I still visited my family and everything. I still came to shop, eat, socialize around downtown, but I hardly ever came this way.
That 7+ year gap had an affect and still has an affect. As I was walking towards the park, I asked myself “what the hell, man?! WHY did I abandon this place? I spent so many good moments here, I feel so relaxed here just by sitting under a tree. So why have I not been coming after moving back to so close? WHAT is wrong with me?!”.
I know what exactly is wrong with me. I got sooo bogged down with crap, I lost myself. I lost even a lot of the little things, like coming down by myself to a park that I had known all my life, a park that was my happy place for years and years. A place that was solely my own. I hardly ever came here with anyone; it was my own place. I had a few favourite spots. I’d to one of them, sit (or lie) on the grass and just enjoy my time, just like other people. Then I’d go home.
When I went to a high school nearby (I changed schools a few times. This was during a short time I when didn’t have any school friends), I often walked to Riverdale Park East to have lunch under my favourite tree and spend half an hour relaxing. Then I walked back to school.
After school, I’d walk through the massive park, go through the inner streets of historic Cabbagetown, hit the main streets at one point, grab a chocolate-mint iced cap from a cafe, and then go home. That was my routine for most of the week.
Yesterday, I did almost the same thing after many years. I got my late lunch, I got my magazine and sat down under a tree and chilled for a bit. I people watched, I took in the beautiful skyline views, I watched planes and birds fly by overhead. I watched the sunset.
Later, I walked through the park, through Cabbagetown, then hit the main roads. I decided to treat myself to some things that are not that good for me, but are okay in small doses. I bought my favourite chips and two bars of Lindt chocolates ☺ (crunchy milk chocolate and white). I sat on the street corner and people watched a bit. Then I headed home.
While walking through Cabbagetown, I spotted this in front of a home:
Once home, I had dinner, read, played with my cat, watched some TV, looked after myself a bit, then I tried to sleep. I made plans to go for a long walk again today.
This morning, I woke up to a dark and windy day. It’s 2:37 pm. I am thinking whether to have lunch and go, or have lunch outside. Or just stay in and forget about it because this is cozy and comfortable. I know where that last negative thought is sourced from.
Yesterday, while on my walk, I realize I listen to this negative thing a lot. I should shush it for good. It wants me to stay in, skip plans, change plans, not live freely, it wants me to overthink, not take care myself, feel guilty, restless, anxious about things I shouldn’t etc etc. It doesn’t want me to live freely.
I realized that it wants me to basically stay in a hole. I should tell it to shut up more and do what I REALLY want to, feel like and need to do for myself, for my own good, peace, happiness and development. So, shut up negative thought. Even if it’s cold, windy and dark out, I am going outside to have a good, long walk in the park again.
I realized that just because I was raised on a “school and straight home” way, doesn’t mean I have to continue that way. Just because I wasn’t allowed to go out much by myself when I was younger, doesn’t mean I have to continue to practice it as a 30something and opt to stay in most of the time.
Who is here to tell me otherwise? NOBODY. Most of the time I am on my own! So why do I care and why do I stop MYSELF from going out and enjoying a moment? Does my husband care? Is he controlling in that way? No, he is not. Should I fear if he actually was that way? Hell no.
Also, do I need him around, to go and do stuff even 40% of the time? Do I need him to hang by my side to live my own life? No, I do not. I rely on him more than I should. I should put an end to this. I enjoy spending time solo, I have hobbies and interests. I should spend more time with myself doing those and maybe even find new ones. Without giving it a second thought.
It dawned on me. I became too attached and too accustomed to a certain type of life. I was an independent 20something who didn’t always need her friends or others to do things. I didnt even “need” boys or relationships like a lot of girls seem to need, you know?
Yes, I had a few relationships. A couple of them were serious. But I was not desperate for anyone, let alone chase after them! When I was single, I was fine being single. When I went through a time without friends, I was fine, too. I found things I could enjoy solo, such as photography and hiking (something I still am into). Also, I wasn’t very popular in school and I never cared. I had a few friends and that’s it. I am allergic to social cliques.
It’s great to have a family, friends, a social life, a significant other. They’re necessary for a healthy life. Up to a certain point. They are PART of our lives. They shouldn’t become our entire existence, or gobble up a substantial chunk of it. Why does this happen too often to us women then? Why do we let others and even ourselves end up in these situations?
I realized I have stopped being that girl I once was. I think I can pinpoint the exact time it started happening. Around/after my 25th birthday. What happened is a typical thing that happens to most women after they get into a long-term relationship. Even if no one tells loudly us to do it, sometimes they make us and also, our life takes that weird turn. Then we end up this way. Probably because we don’t stand our ground strongly enough. I don’t know. I never thought I’d be one of such people…but here I am. I had a light bulb moment while approaching the Prince Edward Viaduct.
I seriously thought about many things. As an adult and someone who absolutely HATES the “victimhood” and “martyr” mentality, I decided to not blame anyone but see how I can change the situation.
I took a sincere assesment and became aware of the fact that, hey! Nobody is stopping me from doing things, really. Not physically or verbally like “No, Priyanka, you cannot do it”, or “you must do it with me otherwise it’s wrong”. It’s just that, I am still living more like one half of a married couple than me as an individual, and also like how I did under parental rules. It’s years of conditionings. It’s my own psychological chains that I actually have the power to break!
Do my parents even care what I do with my personal time? As a 30something, should I still care if they do?! Just because I was raised to be home most of the time outside of my school and work routine doesn’t mean I have to continue to live like that as an adult! It’s ridiculous.
Another thing I realized yesterday: I STILL live like I have to obey certain rules, when the reality is, I have been living on my own since I was 23! My younger siblings who STILL live at home with our parents have waaay more personal freedom and autonomy (because I am the softest one) than me as a person who has been married and has been out of the “my house, my rule” situation for over a decade. My siblings that had that even when they were teens.
Our parents never “parented” them as much they parented me, and still like to if/when they get the chance. Utterly ridiculous! It’s my fault, too. I have been too soft, too open with them. They always knew/know everything. I also listen to everything and give too much of a damn. Which is completely unnecessary. I became aware that I have been like that all my life. It’s HIGH time to be pay less heed. I am an adult, I live in my own space, I am my own person. My house, my life, my rules (mostly. I am a sensible person).
These mental shackles, they need to be broken for good. If not now then never. I am saying this not only to ME but to everyone who can relate. Especially to girls and women who are reading this. Break free from every ridiculous shackles and negative thoughts, whatever they may be.
Redefine yourself and your current situation, regardless of who put them on you, when, how or why. Regardless of where you’re coming from now and for how long you have had those shackles around you, you have the power to break them.
Yes, I know it’s easier said than done (hello, I am struggling myself!), but here’s the thing: you HAVE to have the will and you HAVE to push. Something is really telling me to just stay home today. Do nothing, take it easy. Basically, stay in my PJs and just be a couch potato on a day I have nothing much to do.
It’s the same thing that tells me to skip an event, to skip washing my makeup off before bed, to not eat my meals on time, not try something new, to be anxious, to doubt myself, to doubt my skills, abilities, quality, creativity and intelligence. No, not ALL of these came from my family, but they’re the same thing. They’re mental shackles and negative thoughts too, and they all work in the same way of preventing me from being and living my best.
In the past, I’d probably listen to those crappy “don’t go out, stay home. Don’t bother with this or that” thoughts. These days, the chances of that happening are getting lower and lower.
These days, anytime time a negative thought comes, a “don’t do this”, “I don’t feel like doing that”, “what’s the point” or whatever comes, I do exactly the opposite. Then I see that doing that actually has benefitted me in some way! Last week, I didn’t feel like going to an event, but I made myself go like “NO, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GOING THERE!!!”.
Then guess what? I had a good time and met some new people and it wasn’t bad at all. So today, it’s “it doesn’t look nice out, so I should just stay in. I feel tired” happening. Guess what I am going to do shortly? Exactly. I am getting ready. I got my running shoes out, I am packing my reading materials, filling up my water bottle. I am preparing to head out. Because screw negative, lazy thoughts.
Peonies & Pearls 